Ironically I’m lying in bed with what I have diagnosed as a Horrible Cold. That is the correct medical terminology – Horrible Cold. Just like you get the Awful Man Flu (which my brother tells me is 1 000 times worse than ordinary flu), you also get a Horrible Cold. I have very sharp little razor blades moving around in my throat, a squishy brain wrapped in three layers of cotton wool and a chest that has hundreds of malicious ants running around in it, searching for what, I just can’t fathom.
I said ironic because I decided, just a couple of days ago, that 2014 is the year I’m going to get super healthy. I had a plan and everything. Today is in fact Day 4 of my eating only raw food. Not the whole day, only until 4pm. The name given to this lifestyle is ‘Raw til 4’. After 4pm I can, if I want to, eat cooked food.
It’s not as difficult as I initially anticipated. But it does involve a whole lot more food! Basically what I do is eat copious amounts of fruit until lunchtime when I eat a very large, delicious fresh salad. Followed in the afternoon by more fruit. Then salad and something cooked for supper. But, like I said, it requires me to eat a lot of fruit. Which is OK – I love fruit.
Today when I got to the office, I noticed a little ‘Eeyeore’ type cloud loitering in the vicinity of my desk. As I approached, I saw, upon closer inspection, that it wasn’t in fact a cloud symbolising the blueness of Monday, but rather a little swarm (is that the correct collective noun? Perhaps irritation would be better?) of fruit flies.
In my cold-addled brain, this made sense though. I thought to myself that there were bound to be hundreds of famished fruit flies following me around – I must smell like a Kobi-beef fillet steak to a lion who’s been forced into vegetarianism for a while (somewhat like my Mister feels…) But, as the cotton wool threads slowly detangled, it dawned on me that it was in fact not normal to have fruit flies following one. And anyway, what did I think? That they’d flown behind my car in rush-hour traffic dodging treacherous taxis and plucky motorcyclists?
Where they actually came from is not nearly as exciting as if they had tracked me from the house, wearing tiny little fly goggles and those 1930s leather pilot hats that have the flappy bits over the ears. They’d merely been attracted to the dustbin which hadn’t been emptied of Friday’s fruit remains before the weekend began.
Tenacious and daring fruit flies aside, the irony is simple to understand. I began an exciting new food journey as a means of getting extraordinarily healthy, only to be besieged by an onslaught of cold thingimajigs that make you feel very not healthy. If you you’re feeling miserable and down-in-the mouth, for whatever reason, I have just the thing to cheer you up: a raw chocolate mousse made from avo, cocoa, dates and agave syrup. Or, if that doesn’t tickle your fancy or your taste buds, grab a copy of the February issue of Essentials magazine (out Monday 20 January) and enjoy fab fashion, delicious food, hot décor and spoil-yourself beauty. Plus loads of entertaining real-women features.